Okay, anyway...Again, this was me yesterday...

Now hear is me today...(doing a little dance)...

One of my dogs told me I look 10 years younger. Thanks Shawnee. Say Shawnee, you're lookin' too bad yourself. Ever dated a human before?...

Awe....chubby Tatum looks like the Easter Bunny...Must've got a visit from the Easter Beagle...

Everything great that happened this winter, happened because of Winn-Dixie, oops, I mean Tatum. I need to shave my beard then get a haircut. People are starting internet rumors on message boards claiming I'm secretly a homeless person...

It's gonna sleet so bad you're gonna slip on some sleet then land on your back and poop your pants and say, "Now I remember what I slate for lunch today..."

It's gonna rain cats and dogs so bad later this evening that right before you get your first DUI you're gonna crash right into your neighbors purebred Siberian Husky named Blizzard 'cause you won't be able to see a god damn thing after you're so trashed you forget how to work your god-damn windshield wipers, and when the cops come, you sure as h*ll won't be blowin' below zero baby!!

Okay, I've gone too far. I'm sorry.

Moving on...

Hey Dirk Nowitzki, you're under arrest!!

And why is that young American?

You stole my moves Dirk!!

The One-Eyed Zack of Hearts <===My new porn star name.

What if the coach of the Pittsburgh Panthers college basketball team was Brad Pitt?

"Sure. You don't have to go to practice today DeJuan. In fact, you can stay here in the coach's office and help me shave my arm pits...Yeaaaaaa..." - Brad Pitt (the coach of Pitt)

Anyway, the NCAA college hoops brackets came out today and my team Michigan State (you must remember I did attend this University for almost one whole semester with a whopping 0.0 GPA) has a first round match-up against Temple University. If we can get past them we might run into Pittsburgh University though, a.k.a. Brad Pitt & Company. Uh oh!!

"The first rule of Pittsburgh basketball, is we don't talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Pittsburgh basketball is..."

[a player interrupts]

"But coach, what's a fight club?" - one of the players

"Eh-Hmmm...As I was saying...The second rule of Pittsburgh basketball is...WE DON'T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!!"

[the players look at each other with puzzled faces...]

"Coach, how does this apply to our first round match-up in the NC2A tourny?" - Assistant Coach Ed Norton

"Assistant coach Ed Norton!!" - Brad Pitt

"Yes! What is it coach Pitt, of Pitt?" - Assistant Coach Ed Norton

"I want you to take this basketball and hit me as hard as you can. In the groin..." - Brad Pitt

"What?...No...I'm not gonna hit you with a basketball...in the groin..." - Assistant Coach Norton

"C'mon hot shot, my groin has ~~ hit me with a Spaulding ~~ written all over it..." - Brad Pitt

"Fine smart *ss." - Assistant Coach Norton

[POW!!]

"Hey everyone, don't you think Assistant Coach Norton throws like a girl?...I sure do." - Brad Pitt

"GRRRRRR!!!!..." - Assistant Coach Norton

[POW AGAIN!!]<===right to groin

[Brad Pitt stumbles, but regains his balance, then says something to Assistant Coach Norton...]

"If Brad Pitt, coach of Pitt, wanted a kiss, then Brad Pitt, coach of Pitt, would have called Angelina Jolie, but if Brad Pitt, coach of Pitt, would have discovered that Angelina Jolie was unavailable, then Brad Pitt, coach of Pitt, would have asked Assistant coach Norton's mother. Oh yea..." - Brad Pitt

"I think our coach is crazy..." - one of the players

[Donald Trump randomly enters the picture]

"Hey you, Brad Pitt, coach of Pitt...you're fired...bitch..." - Donald Trump

"What?! You can't fire Brad Pitt, coach of Pitt, because I'm the coach of Pitt with Pitt coaching contract." - Brad Pitt

"Shut up..." - Donald Trump

"Gee coach, your groin sure is swelling up..." - one of the players

"Everyone, say hello to your new coach...The Dog Whisperer." - Donald Trump

"The key to success in anything is exercise, discipline, then affection. So first we are going to run some drills, then I'm going to say "tsst!" for a little while, then everyone gets some kibble. Ready? Break!" - New Coach Dog Whisperer

And that was the story of how the Dog Whisperer led the Pittsburgh college basketball program to the NCAA tournament championship. THE END.

Hey Lenny Dykstra, have you seen my Dr. Dreadful Ice Cream Lab? I lost it again. Last thing I remember I was making Dr. Dreadful ice cream in the infield with Darren Daulton, but now it's gone.

Er perhaps this is just my new porn star look. Assuming a person's porn star name is still their middle name followed by the street they grew up on...Mine is "Adam Candlewood." Niiiiiice. The "Candlewood" part is just too punny (pun-like) and funny. Wait...Haha...imagine a porno starring Dr. Dreadful and the Domino's Pizza Noid? Hahahahaha...that is too good...

Sex Hotline Woman: Sex Hotline...so, what do you want to do to me first?
Me: I want to have a threesome with you and the Noid from Domino's Pizza...
Sex Hotline Woman: Ummm...Whatever turns you on...So, what would we do first?
Me: Well, I'd like to point out that I would be watching at first with a video camera while the Noid does his thing...
Sex Hotline Woman: You little pervert...Be serious. So, what would we do first? You can do whatever you want to me...
Me: Fine, first me and you get nasty while the Noid videotapes. Then after a little while, Dr. Dreadful enters the picture along with a gorilla named Amy that has a metal arm.
Sex Hotline Woman: What the f*ck are you talking about? I'm hanging up if you don't be serious.
Me: I hope you know the Noid is listening to this on my other phone. You're hurting his feelings!

[hangs up...]

Wouldn't that be a great idea for that one show called Crank Yankers? I sure think so. The Noid does too. Wait...I got another good one...I'm gonna be a mentally ill porn star named, "Noid Pizza." Haha. Get it? Paranoid! Every seen I'd come in as the pizza guy in a Noid costume and for humor purposes my voice would sound like Darth Vader, and I'd say "(inhale-exhale noise) You asked for extra sausage, correctamundo?"

Okay, that's gross. I'm stopping now...I've grossed myself out...

Dora the Explorer on Drugs
Special Moves: The crack pipe, the beer bong
Fatality: Boots the monkey boots you in the crotch followed by he and Dora singing and dancing..."We did it, we did it..."

The Ski Instructor
Special Moves: The poke, carving frost in your mustache only to make your upper lip develop frost bite, the slopey uppercut
Fatality: Toasting your head like a marshmallow on a ski pole then eating it and saying, "Toasty!"

The Ivy League Barber
Special Moves: The trim, the perm, throwing a glob of hair gel in your eyes
Fatality: The worst haircut ever..."The Princeton"

The Scientologist
Special Moves: The manipulation mind-trick, the mega-dose of multi-vitamins
Fatality: Zapping you with a homemade alien death-ray followed by celebrating by smoking a pack of cigarettes.

The Easter Bunny w/ a B.B. Gun
Special Moves: The B.B. to your good eye, no candy on Easter
Fatality: Trapping you under a box only to suffocate by using only a box, stick, string, and carrot

The Elementary School Cafeteria Head Lunch Lady
Special Moves: The homemade cream corn, the homemade ground round, the homemade snicker doodle
Fatality: Sending you to the bipolar principle

Former Philadelphia Philly's Catcher Darren Daulton
Special Moves: The homerun swing, the strike down to second base
Fatality: Getting stuck in a never-ending game of pickle between he and John Kruk while Lenny Dykstra curses at you

Mogley from Jungle Book All Grown-up and w/ a Nasty Case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Special Moves: Wrestling you to the ground, whipping fecal matter at you
Fatality: Taking off his stinky diaper and strangling you to death...in the nude

The Med-School D-student Drop Out
Special Moves: Shock treatment to your funny bone, giving you hives
Fatality: Accidentally removing your private parts during routine surgery

Actor Judge Reinhold
Special Moves: Throwing hot coffee in your face, informing you that there's no Saint Nick while close-talking
Fatality: Boring you to death by making you watch all of Beethoven 4th starring none other than Judge Reinhold

The Bosses...

First Boss -- The Dog Whisperer
Special Moves: "Tsst!", and "Tsst!" while zipping by you on strange techno roller blades
Fatality: Summoning Daddy the pit-bull to bite one of your nipples off

The Last Guy -- David Blaine
Special Moves: Throwing an ace of spades at high velocity at your Achilles heel, the levitating sonic kaboomshockalocka
Fatality: Turning you into a leprechaun

Secret Characters...

Some Sports-Fanatic Named Daryl
Special Moves: The Daryl tackle, the Daryl cross-check, the Daryl fastball, the Daryl-dribble
Fatality: Feeding you to an Oakland Raiders fan mosh pit

I realize this is a crude post, but it all had to be said by someone. I mean, c'mon!! No, really, I'm sorry if this post offends anyone for whatever reason, but there's just no way in heck I'm takin' it down.

"Am I ready for the game? You know I am!" - Tatum

"My scent receptors smell an upset against this #1 ranked UCLA squad. Over-rated cha cha cha..." - Hector

"Who needs Gilbert Arenas and Richard Jefferson when ya got Jerrod Bayless and Chase "I look like Alex Winter" Budinger?" - Shawnee

"Kano just doesn't fit in that song..."

Johnny Cage - Johnny Cage entered Mortal Kombat after he was kicked out of scientology camp for punching everybody in the groin. I guess that doesn't really specify why he actually entered the fighting contest though. Maybe he's just crazy and is really Tom Cruise er something...

Kano - Kano won the lottery after playing a game of Keno, but it turned out his prize wasn't money at all, but a ticket to enter a fighting contest. Sh*tty prize huh Kano? Kano replies, "If I win Mortal Kombat I will feel like a million bucks." Cute pun Kano...

Rayden - Someone stole Rayden's rice crops so Rayden vowed revenge. Sub Zero is spreading a rumor that Scorpion stole them, but it was actually Sub Zero. Whoever done it will feel the wrath of Rayden's sharp farmer's market hat!!

Liu Kang - Liu Kang took one karate class then was convinced he was a black belt and could fight people who can breathe fire and stuff. Liu Kang sounds like a moron to me.

Scorpion - Scorpion entered Mortal Kombat because he doesn't have a face.

Sub Zero - Sub Zero entered Mortal Kombat because he has a crush on Sonya, however, Sonya likes Scorpion, whom actually likes Johnny Cage, so anyhow, now Sub Zero wants to freeze Scorpion to death!!

Sonya - Sonya is actually Rogue's cousin from X-Men. Rogue talked Sonya into fighting a bunch of crazy psycho's with super powers at a recent slumber party.

MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!!