Hey my little McNuggets, what if there was a severely mentally ill guy named "Max Onalds" who always ate food at McDonald's??? pronounced by some -- "Mack-Donald's."

Max Onalds: Max Onalds will have 45 Big Macs, and 1 large coca cola to wash it down. Make it snappy too. I'm suffering from hunger. La la la.

Cashier: Are U 4 real about those 45 Big Macs?

Max Onalds: And let me tell you why you should eat apple pie. La la la.

Cashier: Okay...Ummm, so what is your order again?

Max Onalds: I'd like to speak to Mr. McDonald in person please. I assume he IS your manager, correctamundo?

Cashier: Sure, you can speak to our real manager.

Max Onalds: Mr. McDonald, last time I was here, I waited far too long. I waited so long to eat that I could have went home and beat off then come back only to find my food -- just served.

(everyone eating at Mack-Donald's overhears Max Onald's and spits out there food)

Manager: Please, no need for foul language sir.

Max Onalds: I want my 45 Big Macs dammit. That one guy got to eat over 20,000. And speaking of foul language, how's about I beat off right now in the ball pit with all those kids in there...who aren't wearing shoes? Hmmm?????

Random customer eating at Mack-Donald's with his family: C'mon buddy, you're grossin' everyone out.

Manager: What in the hell are you talking about sir?

Max Onalds: Okay, if you really are the manager here (puts his finger in one of the manager's nostrils), then why aren't you wearing makeup, big red shoes, and why does your name tag say, "Birdie" instead of "Ronald" or as I call him -- The killer clown from outer space. Put that and your beer bong and chug it ya stupid clown.

Manager: Call security or somethin', somebody, please.

Cashier: You're the manager though.

Max Onalds: To the ball pit!

(Max Onalds is then tackled by a customer who has a 5 year old daughter playing in the ball pit)

The angry customer: I got 45 Big Macs for ya, it's called 45 punches to the face. How'd ya like that? Huh?! 45! 45! 45! 45! 45! etc. (The angry customer precedes to say "45!" forever while punching Max Onalds in the face -- forever.)

(Max Onalds precedes to speak, though difficult to do so while being punched in the face...)

Max Onalds: Max Onalds went to ninja training class, not once, but forty-five times sir. I assure you I can get my the appropriate revenge on you -- as well as your daughter. However, we did not teach revenge at ninja training class. (Max begins to start seeing stars for Max has been punched in the face at least 10 times by now.) La la la la la la la la la la la.

Poor Max Onalds didn't make it though kids. And the angry customer whom attacked him was sentenced to life in prison for murder to a person who just wasn't in the right state of mind to place an order. The end.

"Let me tell you why you should eat apple pie." - Max Onalds's tombstone.

Sorry if you've sent an email to me within the past monthish and I haven't responded to it. Monthish = approximately 30 days. I never know what to say to people when I respond to emails. I'm not a good talker. That's partially why I don't interact with people. By the way, I am watching the movie "Iron Will" right now. The movie started less than 1 minute ago, and I can already tell it's a better thriller than the Usual Suspects. Just kidding. It's just about a young adult and his dogsled team. And speaking of dogs, the other day my Mom took my dogs for a walk, which I planned 15 minutes previous to the walk. Actually, I didn't. That's a little schizotypal/DSM-IV joke. No one probably got it. I love dogs. I'm sick of getting prank phone calls in the middle of the night as a result of having this website which states I'm mentally ill. Next prank phone call I get will be reported to the police. Here's my number: 810-691-0258. Please don't be stupid enough to call me claiming you're the CIA. Please don't. Please. I just realized something. I rock. Ha. Dog experts tell me my yellow lab mix is a yellow lab/pit bull mix. Watch out now. That means I own a pit bull mix and a German Shepherd mix. Yowsers. What if a football player attacked my house with a crack back and me mutts attacked back for Zack. That's me. I'm Zack. A lot of people think "Odette" is my middle name and ".com" is my last name. R U 4 real Mrs. Simey? I'm not wearing any pants right now. No clothes at all to be honest, just a game face. But really, I'm sorry I haven't responded to emails lately. I feel for everyone who has a mental illness or loves someone whom has a mental illness. Please don't hate me for not responding to your emails, and for goodness gracious sakes, don't prank call me if I didn't respond to your email. Geodon, Seroquel, Abilify, Zyprexa, Risperdal. Schizophrenia, schizotypal, schizoid, schizophreniform, disorganized schizophrenia, paranoid schizophrenia, catatonic schizophrenia, bipolar disorder. Those are just random keywords in no particular order. I'm a loser. Guess what? I ran a 5:21 minute mile in 8th grade. Ohhhhh yea baby muffin. Seriously. The girls on the triple jump team called me Lightning McQueen. I was lightning fast, but I also brought the thunder when the gun went off. Oh baby. Anita Blond and Chasey Lain would have been proud of me...hopefully. I'm outta things to say. If you get a Zachary Odette tattoo on your back then I'll let you come to my puppet shows and shadow boxing events free of charge. Haha. "The race is on." Let the games begin...

I just got done watching Cool Runnings in high definition. It was pretty crazy. Just like me. Just kidding. Cool Runnings was never watched...yet. Anyway, my Spartans lost in the NC2A tournament to the Tar Heels of North Carolina, which characters from the movie "The Wood" pronounce "North Cuh-lie-nuh." The masked man (Tyler Hansbrough) and Big-Smooth-the-sequel (Brandon Wright) were too good. Look out for the Spartans next year in college hoops though. You heard it here first. We're going to return every player because we don't have a senior on our roster, PLUS, we have 4 kick ass freshmen joining the team. In fact, the only team that will be able to beat us next year is the Jamaican Bobsled team. Blah. I'm trying to lose weight these days 'cause I'm so fat. I weigh 200 lbs. +. No kidding. These crazy meds make me crazy fat, crazy overweight, crazy big, and crazy for Fig...Fig Newton's that is. I wonder if there was a guy named Fig Newton. "Fig, stop baking cookies and start doing more important things, like your brother Isaac does," says Mrs. Newton. I just ate a salad from Burger King. I must say, The King makes excellent salads. "Great salad King, you're the best." Okay, I have a question for you ZacharyOdette.com visitor. Would you rather...

A.) Win the Nobel Peace Prize

or

B.) Win a Purple Heart for acts of courage in the field of battle, a gold medal for the decathlon, be able to speak to the animals, be the Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World, become the most attractive person in the country you reside in, have your picture on the Wheaties box for one year, and have your name changed to simply "Ferrari."

Hmmm???

I don't know what I'm talking about. Who cares. I just ended that question with a period, watcha gonna do about it bitch? Bobsled tryouts at my house tomorrow. Bring your game face. I'm the coach. My dogs are assistant coaches. There's one catch to my bobsled team though -- we bobsled in the nude. If you don't like my policy then you're off the team. "Everyone take off your clothes and hop in the bobsled. Hey you, with the pants, you're cut, beat it." I once knew a guy named Bob Sled who hated bobsleds and thus hated himself. He plays field hockey these days and owns a great white shark. I can't tell you anymore about him though for certain reasons. Christy Canyon, can ya here me? Lights, cameras, sex. Oh yea. Blah blah blah. I am going to order a South Florida Bulls sweatshirt online soon. I plan to move to Florida someday. Booyah Grandma. I'll show up there and people will think South Florida is my alma mater. And you know what I'll tell 'em all? "Wouldn't you like to know?"

The race is on. Snugglez the Bear is off to an early lead.

The race is on.

The race is on. Someone feed that damn parrot.

"Okay, you're kind of funny. But seriously, nothing is wrong with you. Quit trying to act crazy." - Anonymous Hate Mailers.

Stop telling me nothing is wrong with me. It's getting annoying.

"Dude, I send the best hate mail." - Hate Mail Chatroom Conversations

Yo, yo, yo. I got this purebred beagle for sale, know what I sayin'? Sike. I'd never sell my dog so how's bout you back up so we can see what's up or we'll go at it punk and I'm a f*ck you up.

I'm secretly a porn star...

Wow, I've typed quite a bit. "Are you okay?" - Someone who reads this post. I sure am. Are you? You look malnourished. Trust me. I take Zyprexa :)

Okay, here is something you all might actually want to read. I've been thinking of creating a section for this website titled, "my family" where I talk about the mental illnesses each member of my family has, should they have a mental illness and be willing to share it. So far, I've gained my sister's approval, so here is her mental illness(s):

Courtney Sutphen Odette
Major Depression
Alcoholism (*recovered 2 years)
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Thanks sis. I'm outta here. The dogs are-uh-barkin'.

Wait! The best fruits are grapes! Yes, grapes! Because without grapes, we wouldn't have artificial grape flavoring, which we all know is orgasmic!

I rehabilitate dogs, I train people...in the nude. Just kidding. Has anyone ever seen the show The Dog Whisperer? It's such a good show, I swear. I wish I could read a dog's mind like Caesar Millan does. If I could do that then I'd establish myself as pack leader. I'm not being sarcastic. I can't wait to buy some rollerblades once summer rolls around here in Michigan so I can start zippin' around the neighborhood with me mutts. And speaking of Caesar Millan, it seems like every time he says, "tsst", he is really saying, "piece-uh-shhtt." Well, maybe not. I'm an idiot. Anyway, the reason I bring this up is to show you lunatics every person on the show has anxiety according to Mr. Millan and it reflects on their dog. Seriously, that is always the problem. And all of a sudden at the end of the show, the guilty dog owner is always like, "I had no idea I had anxiety until Caesar pointed it out. I've corrected my problems though, and now I am calm/assertive and my dog behaves well. I am the pack leader." Yea, yea, yea. Okay. Caesar Millan may be great with dogs, but what would happen if 25 trained Doberman Pinschers and 25 trained German Shepherds were ordered to attack him while he was buying buttered popcorn with all of his fans watching? Seriously, what the hell would he do? He would just get attacked by 50 unstoppable dogs. Haha. Or, he would just train all of the dogs at once by snapping his fingers and saying, "shhtt, shhtt, shhtt, shhtt, shhtt, etc." Haha. Wait, wait...this is funny...the Australian..."Caesa, Caesa, help me. Train me dingo Caesa. Me dingo ain't calm/submissive." Caesar's response...

"In order to get your dingo in a calm submissive state, I'm going to rape it..."

"Goodness, gracious Caesar..."

"Give me your choke chain..."

"You're gross Caesar."

"Your dog is now in a calm submissive state."

"That's 'cause he's dead Mr. Millan."

Wait, buttered popcorn?...

The NCAA Tournament OFFICIALLY starts tonight with a play-in game between Florida A & M and Niagara. I hope the players and coaches on the team that wins that game cuts down the nets afterwards. On ESPN today they were saying Florida A & M was pissed off about being selected to play in the play-in game. So if we're lucky folks, maybe they'll do it. I hope Florida A & M wins the whole thing actually. Move over Kansas, Florida, and North Carolina, 'cause here comes...Florida A & M?. Anyway, moving on. I was watching that show on the National Geographic channel a week or two ago called "Dogs with Jobs," and it showed these dogs that are given to people with severe epilepsy which help alarm other people when the person with epilepsy is about to have a seizure. The show said that one of these dogs (I don't remember what breed was being used), could detect a seizure 15 minutes before it happens then relay the message to someone else in order to help the person with epilepsy. That's amazing in my non-expert opinion. What a bright pup. Speaking of dogs helping the mentally ill, I wonder if my dogs know I'm different. I'd bet they do. "Arf arf, woof woof." Translation = "Our pack leader is crazy." That's probably what my dogs tell other dogs. "Oh yea, wait 'till you get a load of my pack leader, he's has these weird phases where he starts shaking like a mad man!" says the epileptic dog owner's dog. I hope this doesn't offend any people with epilepsy. It's not intended to. In the mean time, I started up Zyprexa again yesterday, therefore I will be eating until my next post (which will hopefully be tomorrow). But now I am going to tell a few drug companies how to make their antipsychotic drugs better.

AstraZeneca - Hey AstraZeneca! Wake up! Your drug Seroquel makes everyone too tired. Do somethin' about it!

Eli Lilly - Hey Eli Lilly! Your drug made the fat camp recruiters come to my house and beg my family to let me attend. I'm embarrassed now. As a punishment, you must now make Zyprexa cause weight loss.

Pfizer - Hey Pfizer! What is with Geodon and this take with food nonsense? Are you sayin' you want a piece of me? I'll take my pills whenever the hell I want as long as I take one a day. And by the way, leave my heart alone!

Bristol-Myers Squibb - Hey Squibby! How's about I squib kick you in the balls? You're drug has too many small miscellaneous side effects. Make it better!

Janssen - Hey Jannsen! I don't like Risperdal one bit, and you know who created Risperdal? You. That means I don't like you one bit either...

Novartis - Hey Novartis! What is this "Gold Standard" kookamunga nonsense I keep hearing about Clozaril. Last I remember your drug was killin' people back in the 70's.

Can't sleep, must type. A movie should be made about two siblings (preferably brothers named Zack and Harold), one of whom is severely mentally ill (Zack), and the other is free of mental illness (Harold). I want this movie to be made by Hollywood because I recently read that the name Zachary means Zechariah, which was a person who was dumb because he was in a state of disbelief, er something. And as for Harold, he was a leader, and I've always liked the name Harold because in the original Tecmo Bowl video game there was a defensive back on the Cleveland Browns named "Harold Dixon" who could fly like Ronnie Lott/the wind. That guy must have had a great season the year before that game was made because that game basically consists of about 10 good players - Ronnie Lott, Lawrence Taylor, Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, Roger Craig, Bo Jackson, Mike Singletary, Dan Marino, the Cap Boso glitch play, and oh yea, Harold Dixon. I'm sure I left out a player or two but who cares. Back to the movie which should be made...I know I've brought this plot up before but there should be a scene where Harold must pretend he's Zack and therefore take meds, pretend to be crazy, and all that phi-slamma-jamma, meanwhile Zack pretends to be Harold and dates the Prom Queen er something, because that would all just be humorous, fun, and silly. Harold Dixon (whoever this guy is) should have a cameo in the movie. "Don't you recognize me," he'd say. "Okay, how 'bout now? -- Harold gets the interception, Harold runs down the ball carrier, Harold does the safety dance in the end zone, Harold Dixon ladies and gentlemen...from Tecmo Bowl god dammit! --," says Mr. Dixon. Speaking of Tecmo Bowl, I dominate in that game. I swear people say things like, "Tecmo Bowl. I'll destroy anyone in that game." Yea right. I'll bet you a thousand dollars you suck and when I beat you you claim it's because you haven't played the game in 15 years. "No seriously, just give me LT and the Giants and I'll block all of your extra points. Now do you believe me I can beat you?" No, I don't because I'm simply too good. Ah, sh*t man, f*ck it. I bought 2 new pornographic DVDs off the internet last week. They are called, "18 and Confused 4" and "My First Sex Teacher 7." I swear, these might be the best 2 SERIES in porno history. That's right, I used the term "porno" instead of "porn" because my brother once claimed any time dirty kids talk about masturbating at school they always say the word "porno" repeatedly. Ha. Can't say I remember that too well personally, but I ain't sayin' it ain't true. Good ole made up conversations...

Dirty Kid #1: Hey dirty kids...my Dad has porno...
Dirty Kid #2: Yea? My Dad has porno too...
Dirty Kid #3: I hear that. My Mom doesn't know it, but my Dad has a lot of porno...
Dirty Kid #1: Well, my Dad is tryin' to be a porno actor...
Dirty Kid #2: Woah, a porno actor...
Dirty Kid #3: Yea dude, get that guy into porno pronto...
Dirty Kid #1: Yea, porno is great...
Dirty Kid #2: Porno is so good that I started lookin' at it when I was 5.
Dirty Kid #3: I bet it was your Dad's porno you started lookin' at.
Dirty Kid #1: Dude, he loves porno.

I'm gonna stop because I can't decide if this is funny or not, or maybe I may just be going too far.

I wish this woman starred in porno. I don't even know who the h*ll she is. Just some hot woman I guess. It looks like her name could be "Eve." I've wondered if there are any people who either, A.) Don't allow their children to visit my website because of the pics of practically nude women, or B.) Only visit my website simply to look at the pics of mostly nude women. Oh well, who cares. I'm outtaaaaaa here.

Yesterday I bought the domain "thezachary.com". Ha. How was that domain not taken? Good work on finding that domain and buying it Prozack. Alright. Anyway. Meet my dogs!...

Hector
Breed: Beagle
Age: 5 years
Approximate Weight: 50 lbs.
Pros: Doesn't require much time or attention, very friendly, clam, very quiet (he barks about twice a year), can socialize with any human or other dog, great temperament around kids, never bites, never chews, never growls
Cons: Stubborn, doesn't always want to leave the couch, has phobias with cars and bathing, wanders off when not on a leash, not as smart as my other two dogs, overweight
Named After: My old rock music band "Hector"
Personality Nickname: The Social Butterfly
Family Nickname: Uncle Hector
Food Nickname: Sweet Roll
Transformers Nickname: Megatron
Animal Nickname: Piggy
Random Nickname: Snootigans




Tatum
Breed: Yellow Lab Mix
Age: 3 years
Approximate Weight: 60 lbs.
Pros: Intelligent, strong, loyal, friendly, great with kids, very affectionate, has funny quirks, never chews, never bites, never growls, knows several commands, acts as my sidekick
Cons: Big appetite, will work at trying to get food constantly, sometimes timid around dogs or people she doesn't know, has a phobia with bright flashing lights (camera flashes, lightning, etc.), will wander around other people's yards but always comes back on her own or usually when called
Named After: Blonde child actress "Tatum O'Neal"
Personality Nickname: Man's best friend
Family Nickname: Auntie Tatum
Food Nickname: Apple Dumplin'
Transformers Nickname: Soundwave
Animal Nickname: Lioness
Random Nickname: Froggy Doodles




Shawnee
Breed: German Shepherd/Border Collie Mix
Age: 4-5 months
Approximate Weight: 30 lbs. and growing
Pros: Brave as hell, lightning fast, lightning quick, extremely intelligent, outgoing, has the ability to play fetch, very territorial
Cons: Mischievous, gets into the garbage, has separation anxiety, still not housebroken, needs tons of attention, needs tons of exercise, jumps on small children (though never bites or growls at them), chews everything, barks at some other dogs including the obedience class teacher's giant Doberman Pinscher puppy named "Piranha"
Named After: The "Shawnee" Indian tribe
Family Nickname: Baby Shawnee
Personality Nickname: Grease lightning
Food Nickname: Chocolate Bon Bon
Transformers Nickname: Starscream
Animal Nickname: The Raccoon-Anteater-Coyote-Skunk
Random Nickname: Hipster Dufus

There you have it folks - my dogs/my wolfpack/the muttley crew/the University of Connecticut Huskies. If I ever get another dog, which I eventually will I'm just not sure when, it will likely be a golden retriever mix of some kind named either Harold, Carmen, Lorelei, Zeke, Kobe Bryant (seriously), Isaiah, Ezra, Emma, Jenna Jameson (seriously), or something else. I haven't thought about it that much because I won't be getting another dog until one of these mutts runs outta gas. I feel a little bad about saying that. I'm not sure if my next dog will be a male or a female. Ma and Pa always told me growing up that "you have to get a male dog," but I'm having great luck with the female canines (Tatum and Shawnee). Anyway, if you, website visitor, get a dog, get a yellow lab and name her Tatum so you can be like me and have the best dog in the world. Then, if you get a second and third dog, get a Hector and Shawnee.

I wrote this for you Anaïs...

Psychiatrist: Are you being manic again?
Patient: Yes, my ass is being very manic. This diarrhea just won't go away. Damn these med side effects!
Psychiatrist: Clever. So, what else is new in your life?
Patient: Video killed the radio star. Trust Me. I seen it.
Psychiatrist: Be serious...
Patient: I am being serious you monster pig.
Psychiatrist: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you.
Patient: No, how about YOU feed the great white sharks while I have sex with Jenna Jameson.
Psychiatrist: This game again...
Patient: That's the same thing Tony the Tiger said when I insisted we play bocce ball. Weird.
Psychiatrist: Okay...I'm going to prescribe you all 6 atypical antipsychotics at once. You're mind is in terrible shape. Just terrible shape...
Patient: Momma called the doctor and the doctor said, "Wasssaaaaaaa...."
Psychiatrist: Okay. I'm just going to commit you right now.
Patient: Yea man, you were wasted last night. You ran for President of the United States and then this mornin' ya was like, "Did I win and sh*t?!" then I was like, "No you idiot...your ass won."
Psychiatrist: For the love of God, make sense.
Patient: Then your ass gave a speech and got impeached and met a guy named Screech.
Psychiatrist: I'm retiring...
Patient: Before you do, listen to this one...Okay, what did the notoriously mean Spanish teacher say to her students on the first day of class?..."Como esta bitches, I'm 30 apples short!"
Psychiatrist: You're talking out of your ass you manic psycho.

Cha, cha, cha...