Lately when my eyes have crossed the path of another life form's eyes (such as a human, a dog, or even just the mental imagery of something such as a human or dog...hehe) I'll hear a weird sound coming from inside my mind. It's the sound of a dumbbell filled with sand that has a plastic coating falling on concrete or metal (can't distinguish between this particular surface), or it could also be the sound of a popcorn bag that just came out of the microwave opening up with that slight *pop* sound when the air releases or similarly that pop sound you hear when you open a tube of biscuits or scrumptious danishes. For some reason it feels like if I told this to anyone they would say something such as...

"Maybe when you cross eyes with someone the awkward moments makes you so uncomfortable that it feels like a dumbbell is falling on your foot...maybe that?"

or

"Maybe you wanna have sex with a dog then work out then eat danishes. Ha. I'm just jokin' with ya. No, but really -- stay away from them danishes. Just jokin' again. Ha. I friggin' crack myself up, yes sir."

Grrrr...no!

That is why typing this is so much more fun. Anyway, the point is that my eyes can't stop crossing paths with other's eyes then stopping for just a moment for us both to realize our eyes have just met which leads to the briefest of awkward moments then I hear these darn barnacle sounds which not only am I not hearing but they aren't there and I'm not hearing them because a full blown hallucinations probably involves Satan telling me he's going to eat my testicles for desert as if they were danishes and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. <===Didn't use copy+paste once...booyah Grandma!

I swear these must be strange prefix schizo symptoms of some kind er other. Echolalia is one of my worst symptoms. Every time I mention that to a psychiatrist they'll say "What is echolalia?" Am I mispronouncing this word or somethin'?

ech·o·la·li·a  (ěk'ō-lā'lē-ə) n.  

1. Psychiatry The immediate and involuntary repetition of words or phrases just spoken by others, often a symptom of autism or some types of schizophrenia.

2. An infant's repetition of the sounds made by others, a normal occurrence in childhood development.

Then don't get me started on ole "echopraxia" which is...

All by myself I'm going to develop a nonviolent approach to training dogs -- I'm going to have sex with them...

oh yea...

believe it...

starting with this linebacker...



put down that kibble and put on your game face gorgeous...

then let's talk...

nonviolently...

cuz it's time for sex...

roll over Beethoven...

"I find the Dog Whisperer's methods of training man's best friend to be rude, but you Mr. Odette, on the other hand, are crude!" - a person who owns a dog and also happens to like rhyming the words 'rude' and 'crude' whenever the opportunity arises.

Do any of you mental health information seekers find this stuff at least slightly entertaining?

if so...

we should do it...

then we can train your dog together...

get it...?

your dog has been bad...

naughty dog...

If I ever become a porn star I think I am going to go by one of these aliases...

Stokes Dixon
Adam Candlewood
Ricky Ordonez
Scott Brown
Jumbo Jetson
Malone
Rob Deer

These posts probably just keep getting more meaningless, boring, and odd...

I went to PetSmart today and the store was having a 20th anniversary birthday party where everyone brings a dog to celebrate. I didn't stick around long enough to party with the pooches but I wish I would have. Anyway, if you've been following any of my somewhat recent dog posts, raccoon puppy Shawnee (new Transformer nickname "Blur" on account of her Border Collie speed) is doing fairly well. Minor concerns about her behavior thus far are that she jumps on anyone whom enters the household. What is even more frustrating about that is how I have young nephews and a niece who are all under the age of 6 and can easily be knocked over by a large sized pup. Well, I guess the frustrating part about that is how my older sister constantly yells "Shawnee!" or "down!" at Shawnee which only confuses her. Why? Because "Shawnee" = come, and "down" = lie down. I am attempting to take dog ownership (which some may call pet therapy) somewhat seriously. In the past with my previous dogs, I could have cared less, but things have changed, for the better I might add. I am really trying to get Shawnee to not jump on people though. Sometimes I want to punch her in the face but I obviously won't. Instead I reward her every time she jumps off me. Hopefully this technique will have positive results in the near future. Shawnee does have some great attributes I must point out though. She is the only dog I've ever owned (of about 6 or 7) that is capable of doing cliché dog things like play fetch. She is like one of those dogs you see on TV or that you see in your neighbor's yard whom you are very jealous of because their dog is much better trained than yours. Anyway, this post is probably boring so I'll end it. Peace McGruff.

A post that may not be appropriate for kids...

Don't you hate it when you are pleasuring yourself then one of your dogs walks into the room? I know I do. Seriously. One of my dogs has formed the habit/talent of opening doors and barging into rooms. Maybe she has separation anxiety. Ha! My mental illness is rubbing off on the canine world. I need the Dog Whisperer. Haha...wait..."Don't you hate it when you are pleasuring yourself then the Dog Whisperer walks into the room and starts telling you tsst?" Haha. Just kidding. That's rude and inappropriate. Sorry Caesar ole chap. Moving on, my dog Shawnee (the one that barges into rooms) reminds me of Cujo the way she opens doors. She's small but she could seriously knock one down if she were bigger because she is so hyper and intent on opening doors. Oh yea, you all know Cujo don't you? Ya know, that big rabid Saint Bernard that took over a farm. Well, I shouldn't say he "took over a farm" because that makes it sound like Cujo became a gardening guru and raised chicken and all that, so I guess I'll say Cujo "terrorized a farm." Ah, much better. Getting back to my dog being small but able to open doors and barge in, I think I have 1 tough dog in my possession. She's a German Shepherd/Border Collie mix, and we all know German Shepherd's are as tough as nails. She's small though which loses her points in the toughness category. However, she is only 5 months old and not done growing so ya never know, maybe she'll get as big as Cujo! Ahhh!!!!!!!!! One of my other dogs, Tatum, is pretty tough too. She's a yellow lab/pit bull mix. I never thought I'd wind up owning a dog with German Shepherd or pit bull in it's plasma, but these days I got one of each. Then there is my third dog, Hector, who is a fat-a$$ beagle. I want to say something like, "Yea, my other dog Hector is small but he's also relentless so he could take any other dog in a fight," but fact of the matter is that a mean Jack Russell Terrier would probably rip ole Hec to shreds unfortunately. It would be an assassination. Not like any of this matters though, 'cause my dogs will probably never get into a fight with another dog, as I don't support dog fights. I talk about dogs too much. Anyway, what I'm really trying to say is - if you masturbate in your house and you own a dog, lock it outside of the room...ha!

Okay, wait...the other day when I was feeling a little goofy I said to my Mom and sister, "I've got a joke for you two. What did the mailman say to the stop sign?.....He said -- this is going to be the best surprise party ever!"

That doesn't make much sense...no sense actually. I still find it kind of funny though for some reason. However, neither my sister or mother were amused by my joke. C'mon!

Oh yea, as for people who have been emailing me lately, I'm still gettin' around to replying. Just today I responded to the most of the February emails, so at least I'm gettin' somewhere I guess.

Interesting information = Did you know that in order to get an accurate diagnosis of your mental illness you can't drink or do drugs for at least six months? That is what my old therapist told me at least, and I probably believe him. Why? Because drugs and alcohol can cause symptoms such as anxiety, hallucinations, etc. Another weird thing is that I think this applies to things like coffee and cigarettes in addition to booze, mary jane, etc.. So I guess if you want a true diagnosis then give up the cigs and switch to decaf ya big fat b*tch. Haha. I just love saying, "ya big fat b*tch." I got it from the movie "The Longest Yard" when Chris Rock's character says, "...just show up to the tree-outs ya big fat b*tch." (As you may notice I've tried to edit out most of the inappropriate language on this website lately as many youngens visit this "educational" website of mine. Then again, it may be pointless to edit out the word "b*tch" when I'm talking about masturbation in the previous paragraph). Blah! Moving on! I would probably end this post to masturbate right now but I can't because 1. There are two other people in the house upstairs, and 2. One of my dogs is in my room! How's about ya scram ya big fat b*tch!. Ha! Thank you, thank you.

Lately I can't stop doing the funky chicken, seriously. Every so often I'll say to my Mom, "Hey, look it...funky chicken..." then I'll start dancing like a chicken. I wouldn't be embarrassed to do this around other people I don't think. A couple years ago I would have. If someone would have caught me performing this art of the chicken before I started taking meds I probably would have had a petrified look on my face then went to my bedroom and when people asked about me doing the chicken I would have tried to act like it never happened. "But let's face it Zack, we caught ya doin' the funky chicken..."

I want to get a Rottweiler and name him Sammy Sosa..."Dude it's Slammin' Sammy. I bet that dog takes roids 'n' sh*t. Ha ha ha ha!!!!" says the person who cracks bad Rottweiler jokes.

Wait, now THAT is funny! "Ya gotta meet this guy, he tells the best damn Rottweiler jokes you've never heard my friend..."

I must end this post at some point so I'll do it now. As I've said it once, I'll say it again -- "An attractive 40 year old woman is more attractive than an attractive 20 year old woman." So all you over the hill ladies, do your thing...just make sure your dog isn't in the next room! "Speak for yourself, moron!" - The talking dog from the movie Billy Madison.

Ah! Goodbye!

An ole friend of mine once told me a story about a kid in our school who got pissed off one time in sixth grade because no one believed him when he said he was going to be 7 feet tall when he grew up. True story. And when everyone laughed at the kid, his last words of his argument were, "I am too gonna be 7 feet tall! I'm gonna be 7 feet tall just like my Grandma!"

Hahaha..."just like my Grandma!"

Let's make some pretend quotes about this kid...we'll call him "Charlie" even though that wasn't his real name...(I'm using a fake name because the kid ended up growing to be about 6'8" and would likely pummel me if he read this...ha!). But anyway, here are 7 other quotes that Charlie said about his 7 foot Grandma (not really, unfortunately...)

1.) "Hey guys, are you talking about how tall each other's Grandma is? Can I join this conversation?"
2.) "My Grandma is so tall that if I were half as tall as my Grandma then I'd be taller than everyone in the world except my Grandma."
3.) "Some people choose to bungee jump off buildings. My family members and I, on the other hand, choose to bungee jump off my Grandma's head because she's so damn tall."
4.) "Can I dunk a basketball? No, but I'll be able to some day just like my 7 foot Grandma."
5.) "Why is your Grandma less than 6 feet tall? Mine is much taller than that. Seriously. A Dwarf would probably be very scared of my Grandma."
6.) "Ya mess with me and ya mess with my Grandma, got it?"

and everyone's personal favorite, the quote that was actually said...

7.) "I am too gonna be 7 feet tall! I'm gonna be 7 feet tall just like my Grandma!"

Hahaha...gets me every time. I wonder how tall Charlie's Grandma really is?...Eh, who cares? I remember, I used to wonder how people could ride those donkeys at the Grand Canyon fearlessly. Seriously. What if one of those donkeys decides to jump off the cliff while someone is riding it?!?!?!

Man in the hospital after a serious Grand Canyon donkey accident: "I was riding a donkey at the Grand Canyon, then my donkey went schizo. I'll repeat myself - I was riding a donkey at the Grand Canyon, then my donkey went schizo. Grand Canyon - my donkey - schizo..."

Get that donkey some help!